During their 3 week stay I felt like I was truly at ease with life work and home. Nothing bothered me, I just cruised from minute to minute hour to hour and day to day. Of course I had my say and my opinion and it was accepted without argument. Decision making was easy as I would say up to you, then if no decision was made I made it and all went well.
And so, why the different feeling, simply put it is family, something I have never had as a true connection in Perth (other than the awesome relationship I have always had with my son Ben). I tried many times but was always met with a lack of understanding.
My birth father, and that is all he is, a sperm donor, he brought me out to Australia in 1982. I will always be thankful I made the decision to come here and better myself. Back to him, well he welcomed me and we never connected, I always found him to be full himself and his past, a past I had no proof existed or happened, still don't and don't care. He was all about making himself look good and I was apart of that process. I was apart of him being able to look like he was a great guy bringing out his son for a better life, when in fact I was treated with contempt. I missed my family from the outset, especially my mum who I had a great relationship with, she was honest and understood me and disciplined me when I needed it. She let me be the fool I was and guided me, and a long side her was my DAD (step dad Gordon, he was my real dad). This missing them greatly nerved my father and his partner, they were the ones who I should of concentrated on not my English family. Once they realised I was not going to change and be what they expected I became an outcast and over a decade they treated me like enemy, and in return I gave them what they truly deserved which was my opinion and honesty about what they really were. Looking back I realised that I slept on the floor on a thin mattress for a year.. Pretty sad. But that was what it was, maybe their intention was not what I have perceived it to be, but I am not sorry for my perception as they made my life hell both within the family and socially. Success is what they wanted but not from me, from another and their attention was driven in that direction not mine. Bitter? oh yes, an Angel ? Me, no far from it but mainly because I stuck up for my life my rights and my opinions, and still do.
Back to my feeling after my mum and sister left, they are what I have missed, what I have craved and what I really and truly need and needed my whole adult life. It is great to have a son that you adore and would die for and a partner that is equal, but family give you something special and I truly miss it.
So what can I do to improve it, I figure nothing other than to concentrate on Ben and his family and being apart of it, not easy, but I will plod away and try to build on it. Ben is without doubt my inspiration to keep trying at life and be a better person. Because of him I am what I am today, calmer wiser and happier.
My English family are like strangers, we communicate electronically and that's about 98% of our communication, my nephews and nieces no nothing about me other than my name and where I live and my lifestyle. Their children no less and so it will continue until my Australian existence will be - 'Do we have a relatives in Australia'.
It is quite sad that I know nothing about them either, I know nothing of my sperm donors family history, it stops at him and his sister. My mum I know as far as my grand parents and my Dad I know only of him and his brother, their off spring I know nothing other than an odd name.
So why talk about it, well because i want to express my feelings about my life so everyone can be aware of it. Yes i am to blame, it was my choice to move to Australia and my choice to try try try try to make a better life and concentrate on making me better. That sounds quite selfish, I honestly never intended to hurt feelings of others along the way but I know my opinions and actions did. I have always apologised but some apologies are never accepted or forgiven.
I know I should be happy, very happy, I have had everything I have ever dreamt of having, I have a wonderful partner I want to spend my whole life with and I have my son Ben, a true blessing. I have always got to where I wanted to be and go, had every materialistic object I have wanted or needed. But my family is missing and that is never going to easy to deal with, we as a family are to busy and to far apart to make true connections. But we can smile and we can advise and we will always be family.
Family is Being Complete.
